I used to write this section in our monthly Inspired Minds newsletter, but we figured it would be easier to read online, and all our blog subscribers would enjoy reading it too. At least I hope you do Read December’s Inspired Minds newsletter here.

Downloads Unwrapped – December 2011

Stuck in a rut and trying to get out

Ever felt you were stuck in a rut? That life had (or has) become predictable, unchallenging, and somehow ‘small’? Of course we all have a need to feel safe and secure in life. But at the same time we all have a need to feel stretched, surprised and excited too. So we must find a balance. It’s true that we can lose balance by not having enough routine or predictability, and then we may feel that life is too out of control, too ‘exciting’, perhaps even threatening. But we can also lose balance by having too much routine, always knowing exactly what’s coming next. And some of us have a greater need for predictability and routine, while others need more excitement, challenge and elements of the unexpected.

So everyone has to find their own path, but we can all agree that feeling ‘stuck’ and basically bored with life is a recipe for depression and a signal that we need to make a change if life is not to lose all its meaning and savour.

But of course if you’ve got into a rut you can also get out of one. This is done partly through a change of attitude but also through a change in behaviour. The fact is that it takes courage and inventiveness to escape a rut because even a ‘prison’ can be comfortable. The new Stuck in a rut download focuses on helping people recapture or develop the creativity and courage to make their lives more meaningful, interesting and exciting in healthy ways. Because meaning is the energizing fuel that makes us all feel alive.

Remember who you are at all times – be centred

You might sometimes talk, or hear others talk, about the importance of ‘being centred’, but what does it actually mean? In his mind blowing book Multimind: a new way of looking at human behaviour ⁽¹⁾ Robert Orstein describes how, in a sense, we are all full of different ‘characters’. For example, we feel differently as parent, employee, lover, friend, customer, sibling, son, daughter, etc. All these different ‘selves’ can crowd out the essential and central sense of who we fundamentally are. When people get swayed or easily upset by others then they tend to be less centred. Actually the term ‘centred’ is often used in certain martial arts that focus on keeping your physical and mental balance, so that you are less easily ‘thrown’ – physically and psychologically. Feeling connected with our true sense of self regardless of the ebb and flow of social pressure or external circumstance is what the new Be more centred download is all about. A way of knowing who you are and keeping your perspective, no matter what.

Share the love: How to express love more freely

Okay, you could be forgiven for thinking we are really expressing inner hippy this month, what with ‘being more centred’ and now – Heavens to Betsy! – we’ve got Express love! But if I can just explain why this is important for non-hippies, all will become clear.

When we are in a relationship, and have been for some time, it’s rather easy to fall into a pattern where we act ‘as if’ divinely appointed to regularly show our partner what’s ‘wrong’ with them. To nag them, in effect.

After all, aren’t we being generous in pointing out their faults so they can improve? But in fact a stream of criticism is like hammering nail after nail into the coffin of a relationship (or, indeed, a friendship). On the other hand, expressing admiration, pleasure and, yes, love, is one of the most effective ways to ensure a relationship will endure and continue to reward and satisfy.

One of the commonest regrets people feel when someone dies is that they didn’t tell that person they loved them before they went. We are not with people forever and important people are gifts we need to appreciate.

This doesn’t mean you have to go around telling everyone how much they mean to you all the time. But sometimes it’s important. However, some people have a real problem with it. Maybe they were raised in an undemonstrative family who didn’t go in for physical expressions of affection. Of course, love can be expressed in all kinds of ways apart from physical affection, including relaxed acceptance of another person “warts and all”, or through romantic gestures and, of course, with words. Some people are reluctant to express how they feel because saying it aloud, or even in a romantic gesture, makes them feel too exposed and ‘vulnerable’. And it’s true, it can take courage. But finding the honesty and courage to tell those most important to you how you feel about them can make your life (and their life) more satisfying, because relationships really do matter. The Express love download is for everyone who feels they could be more demonstrative and expressive of their love.

Notes

(1) Robert Orstein, Multimind: a new way of looking at human behaviour. Macmillan (1987).